The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya
by 7MukuroRealm7
Summary: As the title suggests, this story is dedicated to interviewing the cast of TMoHS, and observing their reactions to questions that you, the readers, will give them. See inside for details. T for language and possible sexual oriented questions.
1. Prologue

Brian: I am sorry for posting yet _another _story, when the other ones aren't even close to being finished, but I am currently suffering a _major _case of writers block. My mind is also going through mental turmoil, because this account doesn't even belong to me, for Pete's sake! I wrote his story o help my writers block, and now, on to the story.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Prologue

A Little Rundown

* * *

As you may have guessed, this story is a series of interviews, starring the SOS Brigade characters. If I feel like it, I may also include some OC's from my other Haruhi stories.

Now, as you may know, some people would like to just beat the shit out of people in the story, but are unable to.

In this story, you are able to do just that. You can ask the characters just about any question you've had at any point in the stories. And yes, I'm aware that there are other stories like this one. Just put the question in a review or a PM, and then just wait, and I will have the characters answer them, and try to be in-character as physically possible. The only catch is that you will only get ONE SHOT at asking questions to characters, so contemplate your questions hard. I will probably update every 48 hours, so try and get your questions entered by then. Also, if your questions fail to get answered, they will probably be answered in the next chapter that character is in. Also, I cannot update unless I get five questions for the character. Also, I'd advise you to give us a codename to call you by, just in case your question is um… "inappropriate" so you don't sound like a pervert.

So, now, I won't hold you back. The first person I interview will be Kyon, and being the protagonist, I'm sure there are a lot of question for him.

Now, onto the story,

Brian Smith


	2. Kyon I

Backstage

Brian: I was very surprised that I got so many questions for Kyon, considering how most people already know how he thinks. Also, some people asked lots of questions, which, I'm sorry to say, I can't answer all in one chapter. I will then have to add those questions into the next interview with Kyon. I can only answer up to five of the questions you ask. Now, we will then see how Kyon reacts.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 1

Kyon

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Hello, my name is Brian Smith. Welcome to tonight's first guest, the main protagonist from our story, Kyon!" I said, pointing to Kyon, looking rather disturbed about me reaching into his house and pulling him into this pocket dimension called "" to be interviewed.

"What the heck is this?" I'm sure you can tell his enthusiasm about this from those five words.

"Oh, this is a story that I dedicated to interviewing the characters of the melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya." I said, pointing at my handy Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya novel.

"What's 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya'?" Kyon asked, frowning. "Is it some story Haruhi wrote?"

"Never mind, just answer some questions for the audience… (Tch… manga characters…)" I muttered, pulling out the cards I wrote down the questions on.

"Sure, why not?" Kyon muttered.

"Okay, let's try going by order." I picked up the first flashcard. "This question is from THIRD-IMPACT-end-of-humanity, and it is this: 'Would you be opposed to open the door to the SOS dan room and see Haruhi and Mikuru having lesbian sex on the Table?' Well, how about it Kyon?"

"Definitely." Damn, a direct response. "You should think about it like this. If you walk in on Haruhi and Asahina-san having sex, it will look like a good idea to begin with, but if you think a little, Haruhi would probably beat the shit out of me, so no matter how much I want to see it, I would have to be opposed to the idea."

"Okay… next question… from the same person: 'Speaking of Haruhi, would you feel a closer connection to her, or do you like Sasaki more?' Yes! I was waiting for this question! Now Kyon, which is it?"

"Oh, great… how am I supposed to answer this?" Kyon said, face palming.

"Just be honest."

"Riiiiiight, Kyon, just be honest." Haruhi said, grabbing on to Kyon's collar.

"H-Haruhi! What are you doing here?" Kyon stuttered, obviously shocked.

"I don't know. One minute, I'm sleeping in bed, the next, I'm here." Haruhi said, releasing Kyon's collar.

"I kind of invited her here, because I just thought it would be interesting to watch you answer with her standing RIGHT HERE."

"But, if I do that, then I have no choice but to say Haruhi." Kyon shouted.

"No, just be honest." I then turned my face to the side and muttered "it's not like the fate of the world rests on your answer…"

"Fine" Kyon said, face palming. "I would have to pick Haruhi."

"Can you give us a reason other than the one we already know?"

"Fine… It's because, Haruhi, being an eccentric^100 type of person, she is generally a lot more hyperactive than a normal person, even more that Sasaki. While that is bad, it makes life a lot more interesting, no matter how annoying she is."

"Soooo, Kyon, I'm annoying, am Iiiiiii?" Haruhi said, grinning evilly at Kyon.

"Wait, I didn't mean-"

"We'll skip to a commercial break while Haruhi has her way with Kyon…"

* * *

Annoying Rick roll song "Never Gonna Give You Up" starts playing for about five minutes.

* * *

"Okay, welcome back!" I said, turning off the annoying recording. Let's see… Kyon's injuries are almost healed, our Interns chased Haruhi away… Rick Astley recording off… I think we're all set for our next question!"

"Ughh… how many more of these do I have to do?" Kyon said, being in a mass of pain.

"About more."

"Damn…" Kyon moaned, slamming his head onto the Interview Table

"Next question, from THIRD-IMPACT-end-of-humanity, 'How would you kill Koizumi?'"

"Good, I already like this question." Kyon then cleared his throat before continuing. "First, I cannot kill Koizumi, because that would result in the end of the world due to Haruhi, and secondly, she wouldn't want Koizumi to die anyway. But if the situation was different, I'd probably kill him in a way where no one would find out. I'd probably sneak up to him in the middle of the night while he's sleeping, put some food in his mouth, and then block his airway. That way, it would be hard to track."

"Boy Kyon, you sure don't like Koizumi, do you?"

"Shut up!"

"Okay, the next question is from the same guy, and it's 'I know that you like Mikuru, but why do you think she doesn't want a relationship with you?'

"Oh, that's simple. It's because she was given orders not to, that's why. I mean, she might like me, it's just that she's got orders and all…"

"Sure, keep telling yourself that…" I muttered, bored by his speech. "Now, our final question from him is this: 'THE ANTI SOS AND THE SOS BRIGADE HAVE AN EPIC BATTLE. NOW, ONLY SASAKI AND HARUHI ARE LEFT. WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE OF THE GODS?!'

"Haruhi. Definitely. As I have just experienced, no one can even hope to stand up to her when she's angry, and she would definitely be angry at Sasaki for killing her friends."

"Boring… What a straight answer… you could at least try to give it some thought, to boost ratings…"

"Why do I care about how many reviews your story has?"

"OKAY, THAT DOES IT." I shouted, pulling a question card out of my pocket. "Here's your next question, from I-am-not-the-author: 'If you had to have sex with someone in the brigade, who would it be? Mikuru? Nagato? Haruhi? Koizumi?'

"Dude, that's obviously your handwriting, which by the way, looks like shit."

"ANSWER."

"Fine… probably Haruhi…"

"Didn't see that coming. Would you mind explaining why?"

"Simple, process of elimination." He then cleared his throat, and continued. "First, Koizumi wasn't even up for consideration, because I don't learn that way. Second, while Nagato is attractive, she would probably be unemotional, and that would be like screwing a doll. Third, while Asahina-san is the prettiest, I just can't bear to think of deflowering someone as innocent as her. So, that only leaves Haruhi. Of course, I would never have sex with ANY of them."

"Well, that was a downer…and long…"

"Okay, our next question is from leonazo, and it is this: 'You spend most part of the day with three beautiful girls. So, why do you even complain? Are you Gay?'"

"Okay, like I said before, I AM NOT GAY. And the only reason I complain is because the three girls I hang out with are so OUT THERE it's incredibly annoying, so much so that I have to complain."

"So you're SURE you're not gay?" I said, poking him in the face.

"Yes, I am not gay."

"Fine. On to the next question…'do you think that Koizumi, Asahina, and Nagato may be lying?'"

"Well, I must admit that at the beginning I had serious doubts about the whole thing, as you may recall. But, however, the three of them have given me enough proof to believe what they have said 100%. However, I still think that it might be nice at times if they were lying."

"So boring… on to the next question: 'You have been alone with Haruhi in a closed space. Is it for real that you still haven't figured out why she only chose you? Please don't answer just "No" or "No, I don't".'"

"Oh… someone finally popped the big question…" I said, grinning. "So, how about it, Kyon?"

"Okay, I know people must think I'm pretty stupid for not figuring it out, but it is pretty hard due to Haruhi's mood swings. If I had to take a guess, I'd say it was because she wanted someone to boss around in the new world." Kyon said, pretty confident in his answer.

"Okay, you are DEFINITELY an idiot. (Sorry, but I can't make him just reveal it. You all know why, right?)"

"I am not an idiot!"

"Sigh… moving on… 'I'm very into Kyon-Haruhi. Do you think it may work some time?' Yes, someone finally asked it! The question we all want to know!"

"Do you want the truth? NO. There is absolutely no way I could like someone like her! She's selfish, bossy, arrogant, eccentric, bipolar, lazy, stubborn, mean, manipulative, blackmailing…"

"So is that a no?" I smirked

"Yes, it's a no!"

(It's totally a yes.)

"Okay, the final question from this author: 'What do you think about the gender bending of Haruhi Suzumiya?' Oh, is that the fan made story where the boys are girls and the girls are boys? Well, what do you think, Kyon?"

"Okay, personally, I find it very disturbing. I mean, think about there being a whole 'nother you in another world, one where she's a girl, and has to go through all the hassles of female make-up, dealing with guys, fashion, PMSing, and above all, dealing with a MALE HARUHI. He would definitely be a lot more violent than a normal Haruhi. But in that world, he would be normal, and this one would be fake… ah, too much work. The answer is no, it's too strange!"

"Sigh… I like the idea…" I then pulled out another card. "Alright, this question is from my brother, John. His question is: 'Kyon, why do you have such a bad attitude about life?' What, is that a problem?"

"Well, put yourself in my shoes. I spend every day with people that are completely unusual, and I am supposed to smile through it ALL. You would have a bad attitude before long."

"Okay…"

"Our next question is from JonBob0008: 'What is your name?' YES! The question was FINALLY asked!"

"Okay, fine. I don't really see a point, because everyone just calls me Kyon. But if you want to know, my true name is…

To be continued…

* * *

NOT!

"…John Smith." Kyon finished.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

(Sorry, but I can't answer a question I don't know, and I can't just make up a name. His name will be John Smith until Nagaru Tanigawa says otherwise.)

"Okay, that was interesting… 'Our next question is from the same person. It is: 'If it was to save the world, would you throw a live hand-grenade at a squirrel?' Ooh, moral dilemma…"

"Wouldn't it be easier just to convince Haruhi not to destroy the world? But if I had to, then, yes, because the squirrel will die anyway." Kyon said, frowning.

"Boy, talk about cold-hearted…"

"Hey, this is the world we're talking about here!"

"Okay, this question is good: 'What's your opinion regarding all the hentai of the SOS Brigade out there?'"

"WHAT?! People are making hentai about us?! So long as I'm paired up with a girl, I don't care, because it's not like it's me personally doing it, right? But if someone paired me up with Koizumi, NO MERCY! I AM NOT GAY! And none about Asahina-san, either."

"Okay, you've made it abundantly clear that you are not gay."

"Now, onto the next question… 'What is your quest?'"

"Apparently, my quest is to make Haruhi happy for the REST OF MY LIFE. Don't I get a say in this? No? Please? I don't want to be at Haruhi's beck and call forever. Want to be free, dammit!"

"To bad."

"Okay, final question from JonBob0008: 'If you had to become addicted to drugs, which one would you choose?'

"I would probably go with alcohol, considering the fact that I've had wine before, and it wasn't so bad."

"As far as you can remember."

"Righ-Oh shit! This is going to be broadcast nationally, damn you!"

"Police! Open up!" The police shouted, banging on the door.

"Out, this is my story." I said, pressing the delete key, deleting the police.

"Okay, back to what we were saying before we were interrupted…"

"Yeah, I'd have to choose alcohol. But I'm still too young to be on drugs."

"Right."

"Now, our next question is from a girl named Lauren, a _friend _of my brothers. (like you care): 'Which female character in this story do you think has the most redeeming qualities? Can you give me a list?'

"Sure." Kyon said, writing on a piece of paper.

List:

Haruhi Suzumiya: Pretty, eccentric (Good?)  
Yuki Nagato: Doesn't say much, is very smart  
Mikuru Asahina: _Very_ pretty, nice, sweet  
Ryoko Asakura: N/A  
My Sister: Sweet, kind, young  
Tsuruya-san: Nice, funny, good attitude, pretty  
Emiri Kimidori: Quiet, shy, kind  
Sasaki: Eccentric, kind  
Kuyou Suoh: Silent, robotic  
Kyouko Tachibana: Mischevious, rude

"That's a list of all the girls I know. If I had to pick one, I'd say Tsuruya, because I can't think of any bad qualities accept her annoying laugh."

"Interesting…"

"Our next question is from Gladiator Beast MCK, and is this: 'Does Balsa from Seirei no Moribito/Moribito Guardian of the Spirit turn you on?'

"Who is that?" Kyon asked, obviously confused.

"Her." I said, pointing to the picture I had prepared on the computer.

"N-no comment!" Kyon said, waving his arms.

"I think that is a yes." (After all, Kyon does like strong women)

"Well, that's all the questions we have today, see us next time for our newest installment, Itsuki Koizumi.

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Sigh… It's so hard acting all enthusiastic like that… if you hadn't noticed, I chect the reviews, then the PM's. I don't think I do a very good Kyon, but let me know. Review if you feel like it…


	3. Koizumi I

Backstage

Brian: Okay, now we shall begin our newest installment of this boring story that really has no storyline and is incredibly long and pointless, AKA

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 2

Koizumi

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Hello, welcome to our show, The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya. Of course, judging by the fact you're reading this, you should know that. Now, I would like to introduce our guest tonight, the Esper Itsuki Koizumi!" [Insert Clapping and Cheering] I shouted, pointing over to our seated guest.

"Hello there. My name is Itsuki Koizumi. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." Itsuki said, reaching out his hand to me.

"Well, at least he has a better attitude than our last guest…" I muttered.

"Okay, do you even know where you are?" I said, shaking his hand.

"Absolutely no idea." He said, still grinning.

"You have been taken out of your world that resides inside books and DVD's onto a website called ." I glanced at his still smiling face. "Are you even the least bit surprised?"

"No." He said, turning serious. "This just proves a very interesting theory I have. I have hypothesized that the reality as we know it is nothing more than a story created by the delusions of an author, and in reality, he has his own life, and we just exist on paper. If this is true, than Suzumiya-san has the ability to influence the authors mind, causing him/her to write the story the way Suzumiya-san wants."

"Okay… good luck… especially since you won't be able to prove this." (I can see why Kyon dislikes him…)

"Okay, now for our first question… from RishiAndSquee: 'Itsuki-chan, is it possible that other people such as Haruhi exist in this world? If so, is it because Haruhi wished for it?'"

"I think the possibility of that is very high, but if there were more people like Suzumiya-san, than the world would probably be thrown into chaos. Closed Spaces would appear everywhere, and our organization would never be able to close them, and the world will probably end. And the possibility of Suzumiya-san wishing for it is very low, because we all know how much she wants to be unique. But, on the other hand, her subconscious would probably want someone to mate with later in life, so she has either created a male of her species already, or…heh… she might turn Kyon into a god once she realizes her feelings for him. All in all, the idea is possible, but I would have to be against it."

"Snork… uh… well, that was interesting… (rubs eyes, yawning) now, it's time for our next question, from Kyon-is-Haruhi's-Slave00: 'Aren't you the main antagonist for the story, in a sense?' ooh…"

"Technically speaking, that might be true, considering how I'm usually the one who stages most of the problems we've experienced in our lives, that statement can be considered a true statement. However, there are more antagonistic people in the story, such as Fujiwara-san, Kyoko-san, Suoh-san, and even Sasaki-san. But before they came, I was technically considered an antagonist." Koizumi said, grinning.

"Yeah, you can give us smaller explanations, right?"

"Of course, but what's the fun in that?

"Never mind… onto the next question, from too lazy to login: 'soo… are you really that smart?'

"Well, what do you consider smart?" He said, smiling. "My I.Q. is around 190, so would that be considered smart? My intelligence though was given to me during the same time I was taught how to use my powers. Of course, if the world was created 3 years ago, then I would have been born with this intelligence."

"Uh, you answered my next question to… oh well, after that: 'if you had to choose which one do you prefer: Chocolate Cake, or Vanilla ice cream?'

"Well, I am not against either one of those foods, but I must admit that I don't partake of sweets that much. But if I had to pick one, I'd have to pick the Vanilla ice cream, because it would probably be less fattening and more elegant."

"Sure… Okay, our next question was asked by two people at the same time, so I'll just ask it as one question: 'Which female character is the cutest/hottest person in your life?' So, that means you can't say Kyon."

"Well, that is a very interesting question. If I had to think about this, Asahina-san would most definitely be the cutest person I know, but personally I would think that Suzumiya-san is the most appealing person to me. Of course, Kyon already has her."

"Okay, (Damn…) on to the next question, from a JonBob0008: 'If you weren't an esper, what would your dream job be?'

"My dream job?" Koizumi said, picking up his coffee that I swear wasn't there a second ago. "Well, I would probably pick a job that didn't require too much work, was relatively simple, allowed me to meet new people, and had a healthy income."

"Sorry Koizumi, I already have that job." I interrupted.

"And, as I was saying, it would never be dull, and allowed me to travel to many places." Koizumi then put his coffee down and smiled. That smile is really pissing me off…

"Okay, our next question is also from JonBob0008: 'you wake up one day to find a billion yen in your wallet (don't ask how it fits in there, that's not the point). What's the first thing you buy?'

"Well, I wouldn't really need to by anything. My organization pays for multiple services, such as hotels, restaurant bills, and other expenses. In other words, I don't need the money. However, if I had my choice, I would probably buy something to keep Suzumiya-san occupied so my job would be slightly easier."

"Boy, you sure have no individuality. With that sort of money, you could do whatever you wanted."

"Okay, once again we have more questions for you (about 5) our next one is this: 'Do you think something's going on between Arakawa and Mori? Be honest.'

"That is a very interesting question to bring up, considering how little I know about their social lives. However, being my coworkers, I tend to want to see them in a favorable light. But, it is quite possible that there is something 'going on' between them, considering how long they've worked together."

"But isn't that pedophilia? I mean, Arakawa-san looks like he's in his 50's, and Mori-san looks to be around 25… oh well, on to the final question from this author: 'would you rather eat a radioactive chicken nugget, or a nuclear sandwich?'

"Well, the consuming of radioactive or nuclear foods are not in the best of interest, but if forced, I would probably eat a radioactive chicken nugget as its smaller, so there will probably be less radioactivity, so I will probably not die from it."

"Well, that's quite an interesting way to use logic…"

"Oh, wait, our next question is from a John Smith, and reads as such: 'If your parents new about your esper powers, how do you think they would react? If they already know, how DID they react?' Damn, I swear that bastard gets his jollies from making this harder to answer…"

"I must say, I don't know how to react to that question. The answer I would have to give is a no, because the organization prevents the revelation of our identities to normal humans. If my parents did know, however, I'm sure they would understand the situation, much as our friend Kyon has grown to do."

"Interesting… I'm afraid that's all the questions I have for you today." I said, putting on a pair of sunglasses.

"Hm, interesting. The only problem is, I have knowledge of being here. I need to find some way to ensure that I don't know about this, like hypnotizing myself." While Koizumi was talking to himself, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a cylinder shaped object.

"Don't worry Koizumi, we do that for you." As he turned his head to me, I pressed a button and a bright red light flashed from the cylinder.

* * *

Backstage

Sigh, another day, another weirdo. Oh, and Haruhi will give you ten points if you can guess where I got the last part from. Be here for our next guest, the ever energetic (if not slightly annoying) Tsuruya-san!


	4. Tsuruya I

Backstage

Brian: Okay, in case you haven't noticed, I am purposely trying to avoid putting Haruhi into this story.

Brian: Oh crap! I forgot to put in the Disclaimer for the past three chapters! Okay, I'll do it now.

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future. (If you don't believe me, ask Asahina-san next chapter)

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 3

Tsuruya-san

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Hello, welcome to the show, which if you are here, you probably know that. And with me is our guest, who, while is slightly louder, thankfully is not as annoying as our last guest.

"Ahahahaha!" Tsuruya shouted, waving to the non existent audience. "I am so totally thrilled to be here, megas! This is totally cool, nyoro!"

"I stand readily corrected." (Why are you people so weird?!)

"Okay, do you even know where you are?"

"Not a chance!" Tsuruya shouted, showing her fang. "All I know is that its really cools to be here!"

"Okay… Groan… You are in an alternate space in which your story is nothing but a book, in which people read about your lives. You have been dragged out of your 2-D world, and into our 3-D one. You are currently in an interview section."

"Um… an alterdimensiowhosiverse?"

"Nevermind…" I muttered

"Okay, now for our first question, from superstarultra: 'What do you think of Churuya?'

"Oh, I think that the fact that there's a thuper chibi version of me is megas cool, nyoro-n!"

"Okay… now, our next question is: 'How do you keep your hair from getting so dirty? It's near your feet!'

"Oh, my hair? My hair is like so weirds, I've got this strange medical condition that makes my hair green and megas damp, so for thome reason it never gets dirty."

"Um… you answered our next question to…"

"Ahahaha! Sorrys, but that was the only ways I can answer that question, megas!" Tsuruya said, grinning.

"Whatever. Our next question from superstarultra is this: 'Have you ever screwed the rules?'"

"Oh, totallies. I like doing whatever I want, because it doesn't matter, I have megas amounts of money!"

"Okay, our final question from superstarultra is this: 'Who's fang is sharper? Yours or Misao's from Lucky Star?'"

"WHAT?! That's no contest at all! My fang is megas sharper, even though I've never met this Misao person, don't deny the megas powers of my thuper character fangs, nyoro!"

"And with that, we move onto the next question, which is from knifestick: 'Which girl in the SOS brigade do you think Kyon will end up with?'"

"Oh, that's totally gonna be Haruhis, with probably no contests at all! After alls, knowing Haruhi she's probably not going to let anyone else be with Kyons, nyoro. But, of course, I's am still going to vote for Mikuru-chan."

"You made a very good point."

"Oh, thank yous nyoro."

"On to the next question… from knifestick: 'How do you honestly feel about Kyon?'"

"Oh, Kyon-kun? He's a nice guys and all, but I wants someone with a mega good sense of humor!" Tsuruya-san said, smiling.

"Okay, whatever. Our next question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00: 'Even though you're from a rich family why didn't your parents try to fix your tooth?' Because I said so, that's why. Her tooth is her most attractive feature, dammit!"

"Oh, thanks a ton, but there really is nothing wrong with my tooth. In the Tsuruya family, a pointed tooth is a sign of mega heritage, and if they 'fixed' it, I would lose my thatus!"

"Okay, I don't get it, but at least the tooth stays."

"Next question is: 'Where is your accent from?' Damn, as if my job wasn't hard enough…"

"Oh, my accent? My accent is just one of the things passed over from the isolated country my family is from."

"So, you're actually from another country?"

"Yups! That's right!"

"Interesting… now, our next question is: 'Top 5 favorite anime in five seconds… starting…now' Do you even watch anime?"

"Oh, totally! My favorites would have to be anything that's a comedys or romances, but my favorites are: Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo, Clannad, Pokemons, Gakuen Alice, and Lucky Star."

"Well, those are some, ahem, interesting anime." (Sorry, I just guessed on which anime that Tsuruya might like.)

"Oh, and for our next question, which is from the same person: 'what forms of martial arts are you skilled in, and can you use the yin technique?'"

"Oh, I'm mega skilled in all martial arts! My dad taught me how to fight the way they do in my home country, and that involves a lot of jumping around and hitting people. Now, if I could only get my hands on that super skilled maid woman (Mori), I'd show her my ultimate martial arts styles! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Okay, due to the fact that Tsuruya ran off to go fight Mori-san, we have to skip to a commercial."

* * *

Annoying Rick roll song "Never Gonna Give You Up" starts playing for about five minutes.

* * *

"Okay, welcome back!" I said, turning off the annoying recording. Let's see…our wall is fixed… we solved Kyon and Koizumi's puzzle… our Interns managed to drag Tsuruya-san back with only some minor injuries… Rick Astley recording off… I think we're all set for our next question!"

"Our next question is: 'i have looked into your financial files and a large amount of money is goinginto a smaller organization. and from what i've seen there is no return on that company so do you know why your family hasn't dropped that organization. (it is a drain)'

"Oh, that's because the butler at our mansion Mr. Arakawa, who raised me since I was a kid, had requested that a large thum of money be taken from his mega ginormous payroll and placed into an organization called the organization. Being such a good friend, my dad didn't turn him away, and instead donated even more money, due to the fact that the organization shares a common goals with his company, or something like that…"

"Common goals? Does that mean…"

"Oh well. Doesn't that mean that Mori-san is your maid?

"Right. I have to stay away from her though, or else I go insane, like earlier." She said, grinning sheepishly. "Okay, what's the next question, Brian-nyoro?"

"Okay our next question is from leonazo: 'How can you possibly be so cute? And why do I love you?' Okay, you should probably rephrase that, but you can ask whatever you want.

"Thanks a ton, nyoro! The reason why I'm so cutes is because of this cute tooth, my megas long hair, my cutes lisp, and all that is due to my heritage! Thank yous for the compliment though." Tsuruya said, smiling.

"Okay, our next question is: 'Are you the still-missing slider?'

"I'm thorry, but that's classified information. My father told me that if anyone asks me about sliders, I was to say it was classified information."

"Hm… that coincides with my theory…" (Sorry, but unless Nagaru Tanigawa says otherwise, the answer is no. But since I personally believe it should be, for this purpose she is. She just doesn't know it.)

"For our next question: 'Why do you meet with the SOS brigade? Is there a reason?'"

"Oh, my dad told me I should find out stuffs about them, but I just go with them because they're so funs, nyoro! Ands because of Asahina-sans mega cuteness!"

"Okay, as for our next question, this is one about you and Asahina. To be exact, its: 'Since when you and Mikuru been friends?' Personally, I think it means 'How long have you and Mikuru been friends?' But I'm not sure. Just answer."

"Oh, we've been together since my dad introduced me to her three years ago, but he never told me exactly why."

"Interesting… on to the next question. Our next question is: 'Do you like your oversized fang?'"

"Yes. The answer is yes. I'ves already answered this mega questions. But the reasons is because it shows status."

"Okay, our next question is from aprilfool1993: 'Do you think that other people consider you annoying?'

"Well, the only reasons is because of my mega annoying laugh and because of my enthusiasm, those are things people might consider annoying, nyoro. But, of courses lots of people consider me nice, even if a little annoying."

"Not 'a little'" I muttered. "Well, our next question from him (?) is: 'What's with that speech impediment anyway?' How dare you question Tsuruya's impediments?" (Just kidding)

"Oh, my lisping is due to my accent from the mega awesome country I'm from, as I explained earlier, nyoro. It's not really lisping, it's just the way my voice sounds due to my heritage."

"Sure…" I said. "Now, our next question is from StarsRShiney: 'Why is Mega/Megas your catchphrase?' Because it's cute, that's why!"

"Megas is my catch phrases because of the fact that the word 'mega' is so megas awesome that it's so cute, nyoro! Megas is totally mega, due to the fact that it's so cute and cool at the same time!"

"Okay, thank you for that 'mega' explanation…" I muttered. "Our final question is so long, I will group them together in a category:

'1: Does Seto Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Oh! turn you on?  
2: Have you tried to laugh like Light Yagami from Death Note?  
3: Would you compete in a WWE Ladder Match if the prize was smoked chesse.  
4: If Kyon told you that in some alternate dimention created by Nagato you were a lesbian and you had the hots for Mikuru, Who could apperantly do the Falcon Punch, How would you react?  
5: Are you a Slider?' Just answer with 'yes' and 'no' okay?"

"Okay, I'll gives it a shot!

'1: Does Seto Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Oh! turn you on? : No  
2: Have you tried to laugh like Light Yagami from Death Note? : Yes  
3: Would you compete in a WWE Ladder Match if the prize was smoked chesse. :I woulds  
4: If Kyon told you that in some alternate dimention created by Nagato you were a lesbian and you had the hots for Mikuru, Who could apperantly do the Falcon Punch, How would you react? : I would laugh ands say he was totally lying.  
5: Are you a Slider? : That's classified

"Okay… I believe that's all the questions I have for you today. Now if you'll please look over here…" I said, putting my sunglasses on.

"I can'ts wait to tell Mikuru what happened todays, it will be mega awesome! Wait, what?"

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Okay, first I would like to mention these following authors for being able to correctly guess the question from last chapter:

leonazo

aprilfool1993

stigotte

gladiator Beast MCK

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. Your points are, unfortunately, not coming, because a certain yellow hair-banded girl refused allow me to give away points. However, she said that you definitely have more points than Kyon, so you can be happy about that.

Also, I'm sorry if my Tsuruya speak was bad, but I tried as hard as I possibly could to get it right.

Now, I will tell you the name of our next guest: Mikuru Asahina, the sexually assaulted mascot of the SOS Brigade, and a time travler, and remember, what you read here may or may not be the truth from Nagaru Tanigawa.


	5. Mikuru I

Backstage

Brian: I can't believe we're on the 4th installment already...

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 4

Mikuru Asahina

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Okay, it's time for our next guest, Miss Mikuru Asahina!" I shouted pointing at the girl sitting at the table.

"W-what is this place? W-who are you p-people?" She stuttered, looking around.

(Oh… great, another winner…)

"Okay… Groan… You are in an alternate space in which your story is nothing but a book, in which people read about your lives. You have been dragged out of your 2-D world, and into our 3-D one. You are currently in an interview section." I then paused for a second before adding "oh, by the way, you can remove that mask now."

"Okay." Asahina's expression changed from scared little girl to a serious expression. "As I recall, you said you had some questions for me?"

"Yes. Your first question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00: 'seriously, you're a lot smarter than you show, aren't you?'

"Yes, I have to say that I am just, like you said, putting on a mask to make Haruhi think that I'm actually a frail little girl."

"I see…"

"Okay, your next question is from knifestick: 'What becomes of everyone in the future?' Well, totally saw that one coming."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that is classified information. The most that I can tell you is that many more things happen to the SOS Brigade then up to the point you know about. I'm sorry, but anything else is classified information."

"Totally saw the answer coming to… okay, your next question from knifestick: 'would you pick a date with Kyon or Itsuki? Why?'"

"Well, I would have to pick Koizumi-kun… b-but that's only because I can't go out with Kyon-kun because Suzumiya-san would probably kill me…"

"I see… well, our last question from knifestick is this: 'Kyon died. Would you go back in time to save him?'"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to use my TPDD to alter the future. And besides, all people die."

"Well, I see that time travel isn't as easy as it seems… okay, your next question is from leonazo: 'I also come from the future, and I don't remember seeing you there. Are you a real time-traveler?"

"Yes. It is possible that you are from a different section of the future."

"Excuse me, could you please specify?"

"Okay, I am talking about alternate futures. When something happens, whether it is the smallest thing in existence, it creates alternate futures. It is quite possible that you might be from one of those alternate futures, and I am from another. If that is the case, it would make sense."

"Okay… the next question is: 'Have you tried or (at least) thought to kill Haruhi? I mean, she rapes you…'"

"No… if I did, then I would severely destroy time and space, so no matter what I want, I would be unable to do it."

"Now, the next question is: 'If you were to die… what would you like to do before the end?'"

"Well, I'd like to at least die a non-virgin… but I don't think I'm dying anytime soon."

"Okay, I really didn't need to here that… well, the next question is: 'Tsuruya has already stated that she has met you three years ago. But, how long have you been here?"

"I have been here since three years ago in this time period."

"Okay, our last question from leonazo has already been answered, so our next question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00 again: 'have you ever taken part in a people auction to help raise funds for the SOS brigade?'"

"Not in this current time period, but I can't tell you about any future things…"

"Well, that's interesting… well, this next question is: 'would you consider yourself a fanservice character? and remember you are under oath...I think.' Ooh, a fanservice character…"

"Actually, that is my job in the SOS Brigade, to be a fanservice character…"

"Okay, well our next question is from the same person: 'What is your IQ and what skills do you have?' Hm, so maybe you're not all that helpless…."

"Well, my IQ is, in this timelines standards, about 155, but my normal time has a different IQ measurement system. As for special skills, I can't really say I have any… if not for the fact I'm from the future, I am no different than a normal, young girl."

"Oh, you're very different."

"Really? In what way?"

"Moving on… your next question is: 'do you ever make money off of the banking system?' Seems like a damn good way to make money, if you ask me…"

"No, we are unable to make monetary gain from time travel. If we did, we would be removed from our assignment in this time period."

"You're too innocent… oh, well. Our last question from him has already been answered, so our next question is from tojot: 'Have you been hypnotized by your Superiors to the point that you can censor yourself without even thinking?'"

"Yes, that is correct. If I try to answer anything that is classified, I am forced to say 'that's classified' instead of answering."

"Okay, our next question is from too lazy to login: 'From the time that you come from, do people still play "Vocaloid"?? and if yes, which version??' I hope so… Vocaloid is one of my favorite games…"

"I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to tell you anything about the future. The most information I can tell you is that yes, they still play vocaloid games."

"Well, the next question from this person is: 'Do you go to doctors from this time period??'"

"No, because if I did, then they would find out that I'm from the future. So, I am unable to go to a doctor, and I have to have a physical in the future."

"Okay, our last question from him is: 'In your time period is there an english legal version of: Clannad Visual Novel, Haruhi games[doesn't need to be answerd lol],Umineko no naku koro ni(sound novel), Higurashi no naku koro ni(sound Novel)??' Dude, improve your grammar just a little (not trying to be rude, but wow.)."

"Um, like I said before, that's classified, and most of the stuff I haven't even heard of… but, maybe they are there, after all its that far into the future…"

"Well, our next question is from Kombinant: 'Do you really like kyon, or are you just putting it on to avoid hurting him? (I couldn't help it)'"

"It's not that I don't like him, but I'm not allowed to have romantic relationships with people from this time period."

"So that's a yes… well, the next question has been answered already, so our next question is: 'The Asahina-sans say they can move backward in time, but does the same logic apply to the future?' Oh, I know exactly who can answer this question!"

POOF.

Suddenly, Mikuru Asahina (large) appeared in the room.

"Well, I'd have to say that yes, there is that possibility for future travel, but you have to be careful, or else you could end up in an alternate future." He minute Asahina (large) had finished speaking, I poofed her away.

"Well our next question is: 'Who is tuxedo mask? (chuckle)'"

"I-I don't know…" (looks around nervously).

Well, the next question is: 'Would you be offended if I said I'd like to see you in lady officer's uniform?'"

"N-no, Suzuiya-san said she wanted to see me in one to…"

"Well, our next question is from JonBob0008: 'Have you ever considered getting revenge on Haruhi by stripping her and forcing her to where a costume? If you had to choose, what costume would you make her wear?'"

"I don't think that would be possible, but if I could, I would make her wear a super revealing doggy outfit. But, she might enjoy it…"

"Totally believe that. The next question is: 'Did the tenth Haruhi novel ever get released?'"

"I'm sorry, that's classified, but you should know if it did or not."

"Our next question is: 'On a similar note, did Disappearance ever get animated?'"

"Once again, that's classified, but it probably will."

"Sigh… the next question is: 'Is living in our time uncomfortable?'"

"Yes, because there's no one I know, and I don't even have family in this place, but I still enjoy it a little bit."

"You are strange. But, our final question is: 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'"

"I would just place one into a cloning machine and make one." She said, grinning. (Damn loopholes…)

"Okay," I said, putting on my sunglasses.

"Let me guess. That is some device that will erase my memory, right?"

"How'd you know?"

"When my future self arrived here, she didn't say anything about how she couldn't remember me being here, so I must not have any memory of this event."

"Well, then this makes it a lot simpler."

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Sorry if this was bad, but my mind has been going without sleep for the last 72 hours for cramming for a math test. Also, Asahina (large) was Neuralized before she left. Oh, and on a private note, my brother is now able to write and type again! (like you care). The next guest will be Asakura Ryoko.


	6. Asakura I

Backstage

Brian: Okay, we're on the 5th installment, and with 5 times the security of interns, who, for some reason, don't know the gravity of their situation.

Intern: What's so dangerous about this chick? She looks perfectly normal.

Brian: Famous last words…

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 5

Ryoko Asakura

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Okay… um, this is our show, which you should probably know about, being here… with our guest… Ryoko Asakura…" I mumbled.

"A little more enthusiasm, please?" Ryoko said, grinning her homicidal grin.

"Okay! I am pleased to present our guest today, Ryoko Asakura!" I said, bringing up as much enthusiasm as physically possible.

"There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?"

"Okay, well, since I don't want to bore you with any long explanations, I'll just say you're in another world. Okay, the first question for you is from superstarultra: 'If you could choose a different weapon to kill Kyon with, what would it be?' Like a machine gun maybe?"

"I would have to pick a samurai sword to kill him with, because that seems more deadly. One example of this is when I stab someone." Asakura materialized her combat knife and cut one of the interns.

"Now, with a sword." Asakura transformed the data of the knife into a sword, which she grasped in her hand, and swung it at said intern.

"Okay, first off, we'll just take your word that it's more deadly for two reasons. Reason one, we gave these people a pretty big life insurance policy, and we really can't afford to pay it off. Reason number two, we really can't afford a lawsuit, because lawyers cost money, and I am just a 15 YEAR OLD BOY. I can barely afford to pay the interns, let alone cover a lawsuit from a family member for having someone chopped in half by a sword wielding alien psycho."

"So, I'm a psycho?"

"I didn't say that… oh well, on to the next question: 'Would you consider teaming up with Kuyou Suou in order to take on Yuki if given the chance?'"

"NO. From my point of view, Nagato is actually a micron less annoying than the Sky Canopy Dominion. I would not seek help from those inferior creatures to do something I, myself, am capable of."

"You say that, but…"

"Hm?"

"N-nothing… on to the next question…: 'What do you think of Ashakura and Achakura, your chibi forms?'"

"I think that anyone who made a chibi form out of me has a lot of nerve, and if I ever hear about it again, I will shove this knife through your skull."

"Well, that's interesting… the next question is: 'If making out with Haruhi would get a reaction out of her, would you do it?' Oh great…"

"Of course. There is nothing I would be above doing to provoke a reaction out of her. Killing someone, making out with her, having sexual inter-"

"That's a little more information than we needed to know I said, clamping my hand over her mouth."

"You have a lot of nerve to touch me like that, human."

"Well, it's time for our next question, which is also our last question from this author: 'What do you think of the pairing involving you and Kyon? Like it or don't like it?' Okay people, seriously, please stop asking questions that can get me killed, okay?"

"Like it? LIKE IT? Being paired up with a human, let alone one like that, is enough to make me want to delete my own data. So, to answer your question, no, I don't like it."

"Okay, our next question is from leonazo, and it has already been answered. So the next question is: 'Are you still alive? I mean, Nagato killed you after all...' Yes, she's here, isn't she?"

"Yes. You humans perceive death as non-existence, where as for me, I was just severed from my earth form. I still exist as a product of data, and it's not possible to delete that."

"Okay… the next question is: 'Among a lot of fics you're shown as the bad guy. However I don't feel it that way, I think that your reasoning was very logical. Am I a psychopath?' I feel you. I'm the same way."

"Why would you be considered a psychopath? My views are considered to be correct, due to the fact I want to observe the changes that Haruhi Suzumiya will undoubtedly create, so no, you are not a psychopath."

"Our last question from leonazo is: 'Do you listen to music? if so... which is your favourite genre, and group?'"

"I do not have any appreciation for any groups of music that belong to humans, but if I had to choose a genre I would choose rock."

"Figures…"

"Hm?"

"Nothing… on to the next question, from ObsidianWarrior: 'What is your favorite food/drink?'"

"As an alien, I have no need for human food. But, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it, though. My favorite human food is hot pot."

"That doesn't really count."

"Hm?"

"Nothing… the next question is: 'Do you like watching TV or reading more?'"

"I like television more, because if I watch TV, I don't have to focus on anything. In that way, I can focus on my plans."

"Plans?"

"Hm?"

"Nothing. Our next question has been asked before, so the last question from ObsidianWarrior is: 'Any Regrets?'"

"No, the only regret is not telling Kyon that- what the hell are you making me say!? If you make me say that again, I'll shove this through your skull!" She stuttered, holding up her combat knife.

"Oh well. The final question is from John Smith: 'Is it true that your powers are so incredibly inferior to that of Yuki Naga- what the hell?!' Are you trying to kill me?!"

(J/S: Yes, I am)

"So, you think I'm inferior, huh?" She said, holding up her knife.

"No, it's not me!" I shouted slamming my sunglasses on.

Asakura drove in closer to me, and right before her knife pierced my throat, I pressed the button.

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Oh my god that was close!

Brian: As soon as I get off this computer, I am going to kill that bastard. Oh, and BakaBlue, your question will be answered by someone like Koizumi, so hang on until the next time I introduce him. The next guest will be Yuki Nagato.


	7. Yuki I

Backstage

Brian: I can't believe we're on the 6th installment already! This story is actually going well! Who would have thought?

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 6

Yuki Nagato

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Okay, welcome to our newest installment. Tonight's guest is the emotionless robot Yuki Nagato." I said, pointing at our lavender haired guest.

"…"

"Okay, well, our first question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00, and it's on the topic of your lack of emotions: 'if you could choose one emotion, which would it be?' Now this is a hard one! Well, Yuki?"

"Love." Yuki said in her monotonous voice.

"Care to elaborate on that?"

"No."

"Okay… our next question is from knifestick: 'how did you feel when Kyon picked reality over your alternate reality?'"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What do you mean?"

"I didn't feel anything. There was nothing to feel."

"Well, the next question is: 'If you had a choice, would you want to be more human? Why?'"

"Yes"

"The question also says to ask why."

"Because if I was more human, than I could experience the things that the people around me experience, and therefore I could expand my knowledge about humanity, leading me to understand the workings of Haruhi Suzumiyas mental data patterns better, and I could act according to the way she expects."

"Haruhi isn't exactly the prime example of a human."

"…"

"Well, the last question from this author: 'if the data entities ordered you to kill Kyon, would you?' GASP"

"Yes. But the Data Integrated Thought Entity would not order me to do that, because to do the task they would just reactivate interface Ryoko Asakura."

"Okay… you didn't answer the question. Well, the next question is from BakaBlue: 'When writing your novels, you mentioned another unnamed presence before naming yourself after the snow, was this being Asakura or somebody else'"

"That being was the humanoid interface code named Asakura Ryoko, as she is the only interface I knew when I was created with the amount of knowledge the Data Integrated Thought Entity.

"Well, that's interesting…"

"…"

"The next question is: 'Your "Untitled" short stories can be interpreted into several ways from Kyon protecting you to being self conscious, can you give a more detailed insight to the story.'"

"Yes. Those stories that were written for the book that was to be published were a basis of how I view my individual life as an extension of the Data Integrated Thought Entity, like as a tiny snowflake in the storm or water a molecule inside water vapor."

"I thought so. Those stories were truly beautiful to read. Now, the next question is: 'In the novels you have shown an increasing attempt for freedom and not bound by other influences, will this increase to satisfy your personal desires, such as possibly a relationship with Kyon?'"

"It is possible. If I do attain freedom from the DITE, then it would be quite possible to satisfy my personal desires."

"I thought so. Now, for the final question from BakaBlue: 'The Integrated Sentient Entry has low communication with the Sky Canopy Domain, as both your communication skills has evolved well beyond speech, is this due to different strains of communicaty and therefore have rely on the lesser verbal communication and just strictly due to conflicts on ideals?' Boy, that was long."

"Yes."

"Oh, great, she's back to one word answers"

"Any answers past this would be too complicated for a human to understand."

"Okay. Our next question is from JonBob0008: 'Since it's obvious you have feelings for Kyon, to you hold any ill will against either Haruhi or Mikuru since they're your main competition?'"

"No."

"No?"

"I bear no will towards them at all."

"I see… the next question is: 'If you were ever given the opportunity to cosplay, what outfit could you want to wear?'"

"One like the one I wore before…" (See manga volume 3)

"Okay, that would be worth seeing… well, the next question is: 'So what is it like for you to drink alcohol? Do you actually get drunk?'"

"No, it is not in my programming to get drunk. Drinking alcohol is just like drinking any other liquid substance."

"Boy, that would be convenient. The next question is: 'What did you think about during that time period where you and the rest of the world were stuck in that time loop?'"

"It was quite time consuming for me. It was exactly like the time I was stuck in wait mode for three years."

"Sounds boring."

"Yes"

"The last question from JonBob0008 is: 'This last one's a little personal, but...are interfaces like yourself programmed to...enjoy...sex?' Oh, the big question, huh?"

"No. We are not programmed to 'enjoy' anything. That includes human sexual intercourse."

"It's scary how you say that with a straight face."

"…"

"Well, our next question is from Zeek72: 'Do you think Haruhi will ever dress you up like Rei from Evangelion?'

"It is possible."

"Please be more descriptive."

"…"

"Well, our next question is: 'Was it you, Ryoko or your superiors who chose the apartment building you live in?'"

"It was my superiors decision. That apartment building is where every alien humanoid interface in this current section of the third planet lives."

"Okay, didn't know that. The next question is: 'During the endless eight did you ever deviate from your pattern?'"

"Yes. There were several things that Kyon did each rerun of that week. Depending on what he did decides how I deviated from the pattern."

"You mean like if he had sex with you or killed people?"

"Precisely."

"Okay, that's good to know. The last question from Zeek72 is: 'Are memory erasing devices capable of working on beings who are made of data?' It worked on Asakura, didn't it?"

"Yes. It is, basically, just erasing a person's memory, which is basically data. So it would just be erasing the data I had stored in my memory cells."

"Well, that's technical."

"…"

"The next question is from aprilfool1993: 'What is your favorite book?'"

"Yes."

"Yuki, you can't answer yes to that question."

"It is illogical to answer that question, because any object that provides me with information I like. In other words, there is no such thing as a favorite book."

"Well, the next question is: 'Do you like movie adaptations of books?'"

"Yes. It makes it easier to process information."

"Well, that was short. The next question is: 'Do you have autism or something?'"

"It is not possible for me to have a flaw in data such as autism."

"Well, the next question is: 'If you were in a fight against both Asakura and Kuyoh Suou ganging up on you, do you think you would win?'"

"Yes. Both their programs are flawed, so they are each considerably more weak than I am."

"Yeah, but there's two of them."

"…"

"Well, the last question of the day is: 'Why do you never call people by their names?'"

"Because when I speak to them, they should be able to process who I'm talking to right away. Names are an illogicality, because humans should have a clear understanding of who they are."

"Yeah, humans aren't capable of communicating without speech." I said, putting on my sunglasses as Nagato just sat there.

"Aren't you going to move?"

"It is illogical. You need to erase the data in my mind or else it could have severe repercussions on our universe as a whole."

"Then this will be easy."

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Well, that was simple. I would like to thank the people who are reviewing this story, because it shows how much they care for the Haruhi characters. I would like acknowledge BakaBlue for his challenging questions which allowed me to really have to reread the story a lot. It's reviews like that that make my job interesting, regardless of the minimal payment.

So, until next time, with the incomparable Haruhi Suzumiya.


	8. Haruhi I, part 1

Backstage

Brian: 7 installments, and still no Haruhi Suzumiya! ...Is what I would like to say, but, unfortunately, I'm running out of people to Interview, so, whatever.

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 7

Haruhi Suzumiya

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Okay, our guest is the incomparable leader of the SOS Brigade, Haruhi Suzumiya!" I said, pointing to our headband adorned goddess.

"Wow! Where is this place?! Who are you?! Are you an alien?!" Haruhi shouted, grabbing my hand.

"Um, no, but the truth is complicated…"

"Okay! I can't wait to tell Kyon!"

"Sure…" (Like THAT'S going to happen…)

"Oh, well, the first question is from SgtHydra: 'What would your hypothetical reaction be to being told that a massive secret, involving you, was being kept from you by your closest friends?'"

"There are no secrets being kept from me! I know everything that my friends think, and if I don't then they will get a penalty. PENALTY!"

"Okay…(boy, is she diluted)"

"On with the next question! I don't have all day!"

"Yare Yare… the next question is: 'Why Kyon? I mean... really... the man is a lazy deadpan snarker... hardly the sort to be in the SOS brigade...'"

"You're absolutely correct! Unfortunately, if I don't have Kyon, then there would be no one to do all the menial jobs I need done. You can't make a person like Mikuru do it, and if I had Nagato do it, she'd probably misunderstand. And Koizumi's out of the question because of his good looks, so I wouldn't want to mess them up."

"That is so baseless… oh well, the next question is: 'If you could change one thing about the universe, what would it be? Be specific.'"

"To make Aliens, Time Travelers, Sliders, and Espers exist in this world, that's what!"

"It says be specific…"

"Shut up! You're almost as bad as Kyon!"

"Don't compare me to that idiot! Whatever, the next question is: 'Do you still think about John Smith? How much of an inspiration was he to you?'"

"John Smith was the greatest inspiration a person could ever have. I would totally switch him for Kyon if I was able to!"

"Now THERE'S an interesting thought… oh, well, the final question from SgtHydra is: 'Any plans for the future? What's next for the SOS Brigade?'"

"HA! As if I'd tell you something like that! That information is strictly classified, and under no circumstances am I to reveal it!"

"Figures… okay, the next question is from superstarultra: 'What would you do if you met a friendly dinosaur-vampire-ninja?'"

"Isn't it obvious?! I'd catch it and tie it up, then I'd have fun with it!"

"Okay, that sounded really inappropriate…"

"Never mind!"

"Okay, well, the next question is: 'Imagine this question was dumb. What would you do?'"

"Give you a penalty! PENALTY!"

"Please stop being so bipolar…"

"Quiet!"

"Fine. The next question is: 'Who is your arch-enemy in life?'"

"Isn't that completely obvious? It's Kyon, of course. That bastard keeps me from doing inappropriate things to Mikuru, won't let me do anything illegal, he's such a PAIN IN THE ASS!

"What about Sasaki?"

"What about her?! She's not even worth thinking about! She's lower than the dirt on my shoes! She doesn't have a right to be friends with Kyon!"

"And yet, she's closer to him than you are, she's known him longer than you have, and she's generally a better person than you are, and I should probably shut up know, right?"

"HOW DARE YOU?! FACE DIVINE PENALTY!" Haruhi shouted, leaping onto me.

* * *

Hello. My name is John Smith. I am the owner of this account, and I am here for a commercial announcement. While my little brother is being maimed by Haruhi, who is beating the shit out of the interns hired at 5 cents an hour, who are trying, (futilely) to restrain her. Now, this is, unfortunately, the end of the chapter. Next chapter will be a continuation, and I would like to remind you, send your reviews in to tell who you want to win the fight. Wait! Don't press the back button! Okay, fine, I'll bring the program back.

* * *

"Sorry about that. We now return to the show, in which we interview Haruhi, who, thankfully, has calmed down enough to answer the next question: 'Are your eyes gold, amber, or yellow?'"

"My eyes are gold, because they are perfect."

"Okay, the last question from superstarultra is: 'I am currently playing a difficult boss rush mini game called the Gauntlet in the game Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Can you give me one of your morale-boosting speeches to light the dying flames of my confidence?' Okay, technically speaking this isn't a question, but go ahead and answer it."

"Okay, fine" She said, smirking. "Okay, let's face it. Why do you keep losing? Could it be because you don't try hard enough? Or, it could be because you don't believe that you will win? Whatever you do, you need CONFIDENCE! Now go, and beat the living daylights out of those stupid monsters! Remember, as long as I believe you can do it, you should to."

"Interesting talk… oh, well, it's none of my business, so, the next question is from Gladiator Beast MCK: 'Does Kamina from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagaan turn you on?'"

"No. I have said before, I have no need for things like romance."

"The 'no' would have sufficed."

"The next question is: 'Did you get the idea of dropkicking the Computer Club President by watching pro wrestling?'"

"No way. I would never use moves from those stupid pro wrestlers. (My apologies to any pro wrestlers who may be reading this) My moves are one hundred percent unique."

"Okay, the next question is very interesting: 'You find Kyon in the clubroom trying on Mikurus maid outfit. How do you react?'"

"I pound him to death for being such a pervert, that's what!"

"Okay, the next question is very similar: 'You find Itsuki doing the exact same thing. Now how do you react?'"

"Same way."

"Sure…"

"What?"

"The final question from Gladiator Beast MCK is: 'What do you think of all those epic multi chapter KyonXHaruhi fanfics?'"

"Personally, I find it insulting that one such as myself is being made as a love interest to someone like Kyon."

"But, you still like him."

"No."

"Fine. The next question is from BakaBlue: 'Do you ever feel threatend by Mikuru and Nagato because of their relationship of Kyon?'"

"I thought I just said I don't like him! Were these questions specifically put out?"

"Just answer."

"Fine. No. I couldn't care less about their relationships with him."

"Okay, the next question is: 'Do you ever get suspicous that Kyon is hiding something from you?'"

"Kyon's not smart enough to hide things from me."

"Really? Well, the next question is: 'Do you know Kyon's real name?'"

"Of course, but Kyon is so much easier to pronounce."

"Well, if you know, call him his name!"

"No."

"Fine. The next question is: 'Do you think sometimes the brigades' activities are far outside the original goals that you wanted in the first place?'"

"No, because my original goals were to have fun while searching for Aliens, Espers, Time Travelers, and Sliders, so they've been a complete success."

"Well, the last question of the day is: 'Are there any regrets in any of your interactions with Kyon?'"

"No, none at all."

"Okay, since my deadline is coming up, I have too many questions, and it will take to many words, I have to divide the Haruhi chapter into two sections."

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Boy, I'm tired.

I'm sorry if I made Haruhi to ooc

I would like to acknowledge a certain reviewer named hollistervolleyharuhi. He was, apparentl, rather PO'd by my Nagato interview last chapter, which he claimed in his review. Normally, when someone writes a review like that, I tell them if they don't like it, do it themselves, but, he beat me to it. He titled his story "The interview of Nagato Yuki." His interview with Nagato is so much better than mine I'm saying that if you hate mine, or even if you don't, read his instead. He grasps the character of Nagato much better than I ever will, but his story only has a few reviews right now. So, if you have the spare time, you should R&R his. I guarantee, you won't be disappointed. In fact, I feel kind of bad I got this idea first, 'cause he's a lot better at it.

Oh, and if you flame me, I'll just heat up my tea with your flame, okay? :-)


	9. WTF is taking you so long, Asshole!

I would bet most of you are wondering what's taking so long too update. The anser to that is simple. My older brother is having a party with several friends that'll last another few days, as he went to Lake Tahoe for a week or two. The only problem is, he took his computer. Now, if I dont have a computer, how am I typing this? Simple. Im on my crappy computer tht doesn't have word, so I have to take a while to correct gramar mistakes. So, I should have updated in the next day or two, but if I don't, don't blame me, blame my brother. I want o update this, but it will be in bad quality if I do. But if you want to see it so badly, review and tell me.

Thats all. Now, yo should go read another, updated, story until this one is upddated.


	10. Haruhi I, part 2

Brian: As many of you might remember, I mentioned this would be a two parter. Here's the second part, avid fans! Also sorry for the large wait, but that was explained in previous chapters.

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 8

Haruhi Suzumiya, part 2

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Welcome back to our second installment of Haruhi's interview. If I recall correctly, we left off at BakaBlue's question 'Are there any regrets in your interactions with Kyon?' So, the next question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00: 'say you were god...what would you do?'"

"I would populate the world with Aliens, Time Travelers, Sliders, and Espers! DUH!"

"Shocker. Oh, well, the next question is: 'have you ever been jealous of the lowest ranking member of the brigade, if so for what reason?'"

"Jealous of Kyon? Are you trying to make me laugh? There is no way I'm jealous of Kyon"

"Okay, kind of disapointing, but anyway, the next question is: 'would you ever want to live in a video game world, possibly like the one in final fantasy?'"

"I would like to live in the video game where you play as the king and give people orders and that sort of thing."

"Once again, shocker. The next question is: 'are you special in any way that you know of? or are you a hypocrite surrounding themselves with all of these things?'"

"Of course I'm not a hypocrite! And to answer your question, it's the very fact that I have no powers that makes me want to be surrounded by those that do!"

"cough wrong cough."

"What?"

"Nothing. The next question is from leonazo: 'If you were to die... what would you like to do before well... die?' Like this isn't obvious…"

"DUH! Find Aliens, Time Travelers, Sliders, and Espers!"

"For the third time, shocker. Well, the next question is a tough one: 'If you could travel anywhere around the globe... which would be your top-three places? and Why?'"

"I would go to any place that has a large population, like America or Canada. Why is because it's a lot easier to find Aliens, Time Travelers, Sliders, and Espers."

"Okay… the next question is: 'Do you think that the members of the Brigade MAY be hiding something?'"

"Of course not! No one can hide something from me! I'm a genius, after all!"

"Boy, are you dense…"

"What?"

"Nothing… the next question is: 'I'm John Smith... (Now, what will you do?)'"

"I would lock you up and as you what you were doing, if you were an alien, why you were not at North High when I came there (he was) and then I would force you to be in my brigade So, are you?"

Leonazo: "No" (you aren't, right?)

"Darn"

"Now, if we could get back to the subject at hand, people?"

"Sure."

"Okay, the final question from leonazo (who had to have a mind wipe, which is why you don't remember being here) is: 'Why have you cut your hair? It was so nice...'"

"I don't know… I wanted a change, I guess…"

"cough baloney cough"

"What?"

"Nothing. The next question is from tojot: 'In the Light Novels, Kyon describes you as having black hair and black colored eyes, why are you portrayed as having brown hair and brown eyes in the anime?'"

"Because Kyon is an idiot who can't recognize that I have brown hair and eyes, that's why!"

"Okay… the next question is: 'Why don't you spend more time alone with Kyon?'"

"Why would I want to spend more time with Kyon?"

"Because you like him."

"No, I don't."

"Sure, sure, the next question is: 'Wasn't that dream that you had, where you were trapped at school alone with Kyon, very realistic?'"

"Another one? Are these picked out for some reason? Well, to answer the question, yes, it was very realistic. Just thinking about it makes me want to scrub out the inside of my mouth. If he ever does that again, dream or not, I'll beat the shit out of him!"

"Okay… interesting… well the next question is from BlueSword: 'Do you ever regret cutting your hair?'"

"No, because I no longer have to stle it, so it's much more convenient short."

"Well, the next question is quite interesting: 'Can you read Kyon's mind'"

"Yes, I can read him like a book." (boy is she diluted…)

"Okay, the next question is from BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse: 'Do you really care what anyone thinks? Maybe Kyon of all people?'"

"I care about what NO ONE thinks. People who object to me are lower than Kyon!"

"Funny… okay, the next question is: 'Someone calls you weird or stupid. Your reaction?'"

"Who cares what normal people think?"

"That is so you…"

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing… the next question is: 'What superpower would you want if any?'"

"The power to find aliens, time travelers, sliders and espers."

"For the fourth time, shocker."

"Oh, well, the next question is: 'Kyon decides he likes someone but it isn't you. What will you do?'"

"What?! How dare Kyon like someone without asking the approval of his chief?! This means a penalty! PENALTY!" Haruhi shouted, running after Kyon, who just materialized in front of her.

Kyon: "Where the hell am I?!"

"Oh, Kyon, never mind about that, you should just worry about Haruhi here." I said, giving a Koizumi-like grin.

Kyon: "Huh? HARUHI?!"

"KYON! HOW DARE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITHOUT MY APRROVAL?!"

Kyon: "WAIT, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU MY FATHER?!"

"NEVER MIND THE DETAILS!"

"Ok, we'll just leave them be, okay?"

BREAK

BREAK OVER

"Okay, now that Haruhi has gotten over her fit, let's move on to the next question."

"I WASN'T THROWING A FIT!"

"Anyway, the next question is: 'Who do you admire above all else?'"

"John Smith. Definitely John Smith. Whoever he is…"

"cough Kyon cough"

"Hm?"

"The next set of questions are from JonBob0008: 'Do you give a crap about your folks? You rarely ever talk about them.'"

"No, I don't care about my parents. They're nothing more than a bunch of baseball obsessed freaks."

"That's kind of harsh…"

"Well, they are…"

"Nevermind. The next question is: 'Does it bother you when Yuki beats you in sports? Do you consider her your rival?'"

"No, Yuki is just Yuki. Besides, I know I can beat her if I tried, I just like making my members feel good."

"Yeah, sure."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, it's time for our last question of the night: 'You told Kyon that you'd wear the maid outfit, didn't you? Why haven't you yet?' (Nose bleeds anime-like)"

"Because, Mikuru makes a much sexier maid. If I wore it, it would lose impact. Besides, why should I let Kyon have the satisfaction of seeing me in… a… maid… outfit… You know, now that I think about it, that's not such a bad idea."

(I almost feel bad for having to delete her memory. I want to see that maid costume on her so bad. If anyone has a picture, tell me where to find it! Please!)

"Anyway, I can't wait to tell Kyon about this place!"

"Yeah, we can't let that happen."

"To think I saw a real, live-wait, what?"

FLASH

Backstage

Brian: Okay, I have two things to apologize for.

Number one is my attitude throughout this chapter. Sorry, but my English teacher assigned me 4 pages of homework. High school sucks…

Anyway, the second one is to BakaBlue, who I'm sorry to say, asked another set of questions. Those will have to be answered next time, because I only allow one series of questions from an author per person.

So, I apologize for those two mistakes, and say that the next segment will be the four members of the Anti-SOS Brigade. For those who don't know who they are, they are:

Sasaki

Fujiwara

Kuyou Suoh

Kyoko Tachibana

So, I'll see you next chapter, I guess.


	11. The AntiSOS Brigade I

* * *

Brian: Thank you for all the reviews and questions for the Anti SOS Brigade! I'm sure they will be glad to hear about it!

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 8

The Anti-SOS Brigade

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Okay, this is our first time with so many guests! I would like to present our four guests: Kyoko Tachibana, Kuyou Suoh, Fujiwara, and Sasaki!"

"Hi! It's a pleasure to be here!" Kyoko said, grinning.

"___Hello____"

"Hi." Sasaki said, smiling

"Hmph…"

"And on that cheerful note, I'll explain how this will go down, ladies."

"Hey, I'm here to!" Fujiwara shouted.

"I know."

"Okay, I will ask each question, and then I will say who is to answer it. If I don't say than anyone can answer. So, the first question is from BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse: 'You seem not too interested in romance. Is it purely from a lack of interest or...have you been waiting for the right man?' That question is for you, Sasaki!"

"Well, I really am just not that interested in romance, because it really just hold people back, but if the right person comes around, I suppose I might…"

"Okay, I thought you just didn't like romance. Well, the next question is for Fujiwara: 'You always seem bummed out. If you had nothing to worry about or duties, what would you do with your time?'"

"I would just find a way to make enough money to not worry about my life."

"Pft, boring…"

"So? Isn't that my right?"

"You're a character. You don't have rights."

"Tch"

"The next question is for Kyoko: 'You really are a true believer in Sasaki, aren't you?'"

"Yes! Sasaki is god! Who doesn't believe in god?! All I have to do is take her powers back from Haruhi!"

"I've told you thousands of times, I don't want my powers!" Sasaki said.

"Don't say that Sasaki!"

"Well, once these two are done talking, we'll move on to ou next question: 'Many might complain you're a boring and flat character, but you're not right?...(breakily)right?'"

"___I____do____not____see__myself_____as______that____."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"It____is___a___no____"

"Okay, that's good. The final question from him is for all of you: 'I made a community for you, would you promise to get yourselves into more stories? There's NO way you'll beat the SOS brigade at this rate. Hell, TANIGUCHI is more popular now than all of you combined, and that's jacked up right?'"

"WHAT!? ARE WE THAT UNPOPULAR?!" All of them shouted at once.

"Okay, that's not really fair for them, and if you have to blame someone, blame the fanfiction authors who don't put them in stories!" (Points at computer)

"You heard it here folks! The Anti-SOS Brigade wants more stories about themselves! If you don't write them, you'll be locked in a closet with Kyoko or Sasaki! Or Fujiwara will come F*** you in your sleep."

"Okay, now that they are out of their state of melancholy (hmm…) I'll now ask the next question, from BakaBlue: 'Fujiwara has expressed that his faction has similiar beliefs to a predetirmened time travel theory, if so, whats the point of going to the past anyway, as it would remain the same whether you intervened or not.'"

"Because of things such as alternate futures." Fujiwara said. "If, let say, I threw a rock and it broke a window, I just made two alternate futures. One where I threw the rock, which is the one I end up in, and one where I didn't throw the rock, where another me exists. So, if I find some way to change history, while time travel will still be invented in the future, there will also be another future where time travel wasn't invented, where, if I'm lucky, I might end up."

"Okay, that is a pretty good, if not long, explanation. The next question is for the group: 'Sasaki claims that she is content with what was reality, so how did aliens, time travelers and espers come to form around her, unless there is someone who is just using Sasaki as a medium to materialize their wishes.'"

"Because that Haruhi Suzumia stole her powers, and is using them for selfish means!" Kyoko said, er, shouted.

"I guess that works… the next question is: 'Since Kyoko origins came from Sasaki does she, like Koizumi, have any combat powers, since Sasaki has a tamer image of a esper's power than Haruhi has.'"

"Why would I need powers?" Kyoko asked, smiling. "There is nothing to fight, since Sasaki's closed spaces are so tame."

"Well, you've got a point there. The next question is: 'If your group has similar reasons for being around Sasaki as the other has been around Haruhi, why haven't you tried to provoke Sasak's powers as you could do a more detailed investigation than they do with Haruhi as Sasaki is aware of the real you?'"

"Well, whose to say we don't?!" Fujiwara, who had been quiet for a while, shouted.

"Do you?"

"No, because Sasaki has less power, due to that stupid Haruhi!" Kyok shouted, totally interrupting what Fujiwara was about to say.

"Okay, since this seems like a touchy subject, I'll just jump to the next question: 'If Sasaki was the origin of both these powers, how did Haruhi manage to attain these powers as the only connection between these two seems to be Kyon?'"

"It's because of Kyon." Kyoko said, turning serious. "When Kyon met Sasaki, some sort of leech he had in his DNA stole her powers, and when he went back in time he inadvertently gave Haruhi her powers. (Don't know if that's true, but it seems pretty reasonable.)"

"Well, the next question is from Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00: 'aren't you just an itsuki ripoff?' For Kyoko"

"If you want to be technical about it, yes, I am. But, if we want to be realistic, we both are espers, so we should be basically the same. But, if you want a to know a difference, I'm pretty-"

"cough Bullshit cough"

"Shut it Fujiwara." I interjected. "The next question is for Kuyou: 'why do you talk so oddly, do you have a speech impediment?'"

"___No___my____programming_____is______not_____sufficient___enough______to__speak__normal____in_____human_____standards___."

"Which we can easily see. The next question is for (jackass) Fujiwara: 'why do you always seem to be the most ...evil of the group in a lot of fanfiction?'"

"Because I'm the most evil in real life."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Ooookayyy… the next question is for Sasaki, and it's one we all want the answer to: '...why do you still hang out with those crazy people?'"

"Because they're following me everwhere! They treat me like a god, and I just want them to go away! (starts crying)

"Sasaki, don't cry!" Kyoko said, shaking her.

"Let's take a small break."

* * *

Bored? Don't waste your time looking for the Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya. Just buy the entire complete set in video animation for a mere $ 9.99, before everyone else downloads it. Relive the magic of Kyon, Koizumi, Tsuruya, Mikuru, Asakura, Nagato, Haruhi, and now the Anti-SOS Brigade. And if you call now, you can even get it dubbed in your language, free of charge. Just dial 555-CON-GAME for your very own DVD of the Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya.*

*No actual sales. Don't even know where phone takes you, so don't call.

* * *

"Welcome back. Now that Sasaki has stopped crying, we'll move on to our next our next author, aprilfool1993: 'Could you calculate pi to the last digit, please?' Kuyou (I know why you did that. I read your story.)"

"___Pi___is____3_._1__4____1___5_____9_2_____6_____5___3_5___8___9__7___9___3__2__3____8___4_6____2____6____4__3_3____8___3__2_7__9___5__0_2______8_8____4__1_____9_7____1____6______9____3__9___9___3____7__5_1____0___5___8_2____0_9___7___4___9__4___4___5___9___2___3___0___7___8_1________6___4__0___6__2__8___6___2___0______8__9______9___8____6____2___8___0__3_4_____8_2___5_____3__4___2___1_1_____7___0_6___7_9____illogical___not___a___possible___request____pi__has___no___end___." Kuyou suddenly shorted out.

"Okay, can we please refrain from asking questions that make are interviewees die or short circuit?"

* * *

"Okay, now the Kuyou has been rebooted, our next question is for Kyoko: 'Have you ever thought that Sasaki really just wants to be left alone?'"

"Of course not. I mean, we're her best friends, why would she want us to leave her alone?"

"Didn't she just have a tantrum because she WANTED you to leave her alone?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Whatever… the next question is from superstarultra, and is for Sasaki: 'What is your opinion on Haruhi and Kyon's friendship?'"

"I think they make a cute couple, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but aren't you jealous?"

"Not at all." *anger mark*

"Boring… the next question is for Kyoko: 'There's fanart of you with both red hair and blond hair. Which is your true color?'"

"My hair is more of a honey color. So, I would have to say blond." (She's blond in most pictures I see of her)

"Okay, the next question is for Fujiwara: 'I too think time-travel is pretty risky, what with the whole 'going-back-to-fix-something-and-making-it-even-worse' problem. Is that one of the reasons why you hate it so?'"

"Yes. If people fool around with time travel, they could make life even worse, resulting in a time paradox, effectively destroying the world as we know it."

"Well, that is interesting. In fact, our last question is on that very subject, but for now, answer the next question, Kuyou: 'Can you form your hair into weapons like blades, claws, or tentacles like so much fanart has depicted?'"

"___It___is___possible_____however_,____it_____would_____take___a___large___amount__of___energy____to___do___it____."

"I see… well, the next question is for the group: 'I'm writing a fic collection, and in an upcoming chapter you all go out and play Halloween pranks on those pesky SOS Brigade members' houses. Would you guys really do that if given the chance?'"

"Of course!" Fujiwara said, grinning. "I love Halloween pranks, like blowing up houses, killing trick-or-treaters, making homicidal decorations…"

"Those are forms of terrorism, not pranks. Anyway, the final question is from John Smith, to Fujiwara: 'According to you, you want to destroy time travel. But in doing that, you would create a paradox in which when time travel is destroyed, you would not be able to go back in time to destroy it, thus it being created, thus you going back to destroy it, making it impossible to continue. If that's true, and you dislike the paradoxes time travel makes, why would you try to destroy it if it makes more paradoxes?'"

"Because if I did destroy it, I would exist outside of time, and therefore it would be like time travel never existed, because when I go back I exist outside of time. And so, the paradox you spoke of would not come to be."

"I see… well, that's all the questions we have for now, so say cheese."

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Sorry for the late update today, but I had a ton of homework to do. I will try to get the other ones out faster. The next guest will be Imouto-chan, Kyon's little sister.


	12. Imouto I

Brian: I thought that there would be a lot more people would ask questions for Imouto-chan. Oh well, less work for me. (Hums happily)

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 9

Kyon's Sister

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Wow! What is this place?" Our youngest guest so far [unless you count Asakura and Nagato as three (I don't)] said, looking at all the strange um, objects set up in the interview room.

"Okay, Imouto-chan, do you know exactly why you're here?"

"Why are you calling me Imouto-chan? Do I know you?"

"Um, no, what should I call you?"

"Hmm… how about Imouto-chan?"

"Okay…" *Anger Mark*

"Okay, I am about to ask you several questions. Is that all right with you?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, the first question is from BakaBlue: 'you share a very close relationship with your brother are you any concern that Haruhi, Nagato or Mikuru might become between you and him?'"

"Nooo, I think it would be more fun if we could all share him, you know what I mean?"

"Okaaaaay… I'm gonna ignore that…"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing… okay the next question is: 'Do you perhaps not call Kyon "oniisan" because you wish him to view you as more of a woman rather than a little sister?'"

"No, well, maybe, but I just do it because it's such a funny name, I just want to share it with everyone, you know?"

"Boy, you hide an evil soul behind that cute face… oh, well, the next question is: 'Are you ever curious about what Kyon does in the SOS Brigade as probably he hasn't given you details, or at least accurate ones or ones that seem incomplete?'"

"Um, no, I think that he just has fun with his friends, and they have no problems what so ever in their lives!" (Boy is she dreaming…)

"Okay, the next question is: 'In one of the stories of volume 9, Kyon asks you to refrain from metioning Sasaki to Haruhi if she calls, what are your thoughts on this matter?'"

"I think it's cute how Kyon is trying to juggle the two of them around."

"There is no way you are 11 (12?)"

"Whaaat? Of course I aaam!"

"Whatever, the next question is: 'Rumors about Haruhi seem to circulate around rather fast, you have probably heard some, what are your thoughts about them especially the ones that concern Kyon?'"

"Well, my big brother told me not to pay any attention to those rumors. He said if I ever heard a rumor about him and Haru neechan, I was to disregard them completely!"

"(makes sense) Okay, the next question is from aprilfool1993: 'Would you join the SOS Brigade if given the opportunity?' Are you trying to turn poor, sweet Imouto-chan into one of, and I quote, 'Suzumiya's Wacko's'?"

"Yeah! It seems like Kyon has so much fun with Haru neechan!"

"Don't let Haruhi destroy your cuteness! NO! She would use you for Lolita-centric costumes, turning you into a defiled girl for attracting guys with Lolita Complexes!" - Incomprehensible inner dispute.

"What?"

"Ahem. Never mind, the next question is: 'Why do you always wake Kyon up instead of letting his alarm clock do it for him?'"

"Oh, that's an easy one! If Kyon let his alarm clock wake him up, he would sleep right through it! That's how lazy he is!"

"I agree with you there. The next question is: 'Do you like annoying your older sibling?'"

"Yeah! Kyon is so much fun to annoy, because he always has such great reactions!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, good enough for me. The next question is: 'What do you do in your spare time?'"

"I watch cartoons, I watch anime, I watch TV, I go on the computer, I read books, I do lots of things!"

"I'll bet you do…"

"The next question is: 'Why are you not in more fanfics? Your sheer annoyingness (is that even a word?) is hilarious!'"

"Whaaaat? I'm not in a lot of fan fics? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" She cried, laying her head on the table.

"Now look what you did, you heartless jerks! You made Imouto-chan cry! You better go out and right a fic about her, now! (Yes, I mean YOU)"

* * *

Mukuro: Now, you can buy the extended edition of "The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya" with Imouto-chan, now! Oh, also, for extra fanservice, we have her CRYING! So Kawaii! You can buy the full, two disc edition, for only $9.95! That's right! Only $9.95! You can get it for-

Brian: I told you, stop putting advirtisements into my story! *Kicks off stage*

* * *

"Okay, the next question is from barretvskyonvseveryoneelse, who, you may remember, is the true identity of BKE: 'Just how much do you like your brother?'"

"I like him a lot! A LOT. He is so nice, no matter how obnoxious I am to him."

"I had no idea. The next question is: 'How about Haruhi?'"

"I like Haru neechan a lot! More than Kyon!"

"Okay… the next question is: Yuki? Mikuru? Itsuki?"

"Okay, I think Yuki's just nice, but is shy, Mikuru is super cute, so cute I could just jump on top of her… and… (nose bleeds), Itsuki is sort of cool, and is much better than Kyon."

"Okay… the next question is: 'Whats your favoritest holiday.'"

"My favoritest holiday is Christmas, because I get lots of presents! (Do they even celebrate Christmas in Japan? If anyone knows, tell me, please!)"

"Okay, the final question is: 'Are your parents ever going to show up?'"

"No, because my parents are travelling, I have to live alone with Kyon."

"That's got to be illegal in some way."

"Nooo."

"Okay, it goes against my principles to do this, but, what the heck…"

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Okay, I have to change my update schedule from 48 hours to 72 hours. Sorry for the inconvenience. The next guests are Kunikida and Taniguchi (dumb and dumber).


	13. Taniguchi & Kunikida I

Brian: Sorry for the long wait, but my computer broke down, and I had to get it fixed. Here, without any more waiting, the next chapter!

Brian: Okay, now for the disclaimer…

I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that goes for the past, present and future; any sexist views in this chapter belong to Taniguchi, not me.

The Interviews of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 10

Taniguchi &Kunikida

* * *

The red curtain goes up… the guest sits at the table… our host walks in the room… everything's ready!

"Welcome! Today, we have two guests, Taniguchi and Kunikida!"

"Uh, what is this place?" Taniguchi asked, scratching his head.

"Okay, ignoring the babbling idiot over there, the first question is for… Taniguchi. (Total lack of enthusiasm.) It is from BKE, and is: 'Demure, Athletic or Voluptuous? (Yuki, Haruhi, or Mikuru.)'"

"Oh yeah, definitely Asahina-san!" Taniguchi said, with no signs of hesitation.

"Why?"

"Everyone knows that breasts are all that matters in a relationship!"

Mukuro: Ladies, please send your complaints to Bsmithsbc-

"Get out of here, dammit!"

"Okay, due to excessive complaints, I will censor some of Taniguchi's skin deep comments, which prove what a scumbag he is, and why I hate him. The next question is for Kunikida: 'Why don't you show more personality? We don't see much of you here.'"

"Well, I guess it's because I don't have much screen time, and the little time I do have, Taniguchi is always being the more dominant speaker."

"I can believe that."

"The next question is for Taniguchi: 'You know women are more interested in jocks and club heads rather than nobodies right? (BURN!)'"

"Yeah, but girls are attracted to me so much, I don't NEED to be a jock or a club head."

"*laughs* Boy, are you deluded."

"What do you mean?! Kunikida, you know that I'm popular, right?"

…………… (Cricket chirps)

"Okay, and with that, we move on to our next question: 'Can you tell us more about Sasaki?'"

"Yes, I can."

"Well, please do."

"Ahem. When Kyon was in middle school, he met this girl named Sasaki. She was very weird, acted like a boy, and had no interest in romance of any kind. Most people thought they were going out, including me. That's about all I know, you should ask Kyon for more details."

"Okay, now, the next question is very… 'interesting'. It is: 'Rumors are flying around...FRUITY ONES...can you dispel your relationship as that?'"

"WHAAAAT?!" (In unison)

"Why would I be with a guy?! I'm not gay!"

"Is there anything wrong with being gay?" I said, with just a hint of homicidalism.

Mukuro: Gays that were offended by this comment, please send your complaints to Bsmithsbc-

"OFF means OFF."

Mukuro: Fine.

"While Taniguchi is regaining consciousness from his, ahem, punishment, please stand by.

* * *

Mukuro: If you're reading this, then that means now you can add Taniguchi and Kunikida to your collection! Just $ 9.99 for the complete series, with a bonus poster of Taniguchi in a bunny girl costume. Just send the money to-

Intern: You're not gonna stop him?

Brian: I gave up a while ago.

* * *

"Okay, we're back! The next question is from BakaBlue: 'Why does Taniguchi try to impress Kyon with his love life despite knowing Kyon spends time with 3 of the most beautiful girls in school?'"

"Probably because he suffers from an inferiority complex, so he wants to impress Kyon however he can, even if it doesn't matter that much."

"Hey, who has an inferiority complex?!"

"Yup, that's him to a T. The next question is for Kunikida: 'could you give us some details about Kyon's relationship with Sasaki?'"

"I believe I already answered this one, but I will say it again: Kyon and Sasaki are just friends."

"Okay, but: 'How would Haruhi act if you told her about your last answer?'"

"Well, she would probably be overjoyed."

"Yup. The next question is for Taniguchi: 'Why do you come when Haruhi requests you, even though you probably figured it is just for manual labor and other tedious tasks?'"

"Because he wants to be a part of the SOS Brigade, so he wants to get in good with Suzumiya in hopes that she'll let him in."

Haruhi: Not going to happen.

Taniguchi then and there breaks down emotionally.

"Okay, when Taniguchi comes back from his fit, his next question is: 'Ever consider asking Kyon to set you up with a date, since he knows a lot of attractive girls?'"

"Yeah, but if I did, he would probably say no, so I have to get into the brigade and ask them myself."

"Aha! At last the truth comes up! I thought that was it!"

Haruhi: I told you, not going to happen.

"What are you even doing here, anyway?!" Taniguchi shouted, recovering from his emotional fit.

"I think the author brought her here."

"Well, the next question is from Zeek72, and is for Kunikida: 'If you think about it Taniguchi has made more appearances in the series than you have. How do you feel about it?'"

"I don't really mind, I just want to have a normal life."

"Boring… the next question is: 'What makes you hang out with Taniguchi?'"

"I just think it's interesting observing how he acts. It's fun!"

"I see… the next question is for Taniguchi: 'What do you think goes on inside the SOS Brigade club room?'"

"I don't know, but I want to so badly!!!"

Haruhi: Like I said, not going to happen.

"Okay… the next question is: 'If Asakura tricked you into coming into an empty room and attacked you with a combat knife with the intent to kill you what would you do?'"

"First off, Asakura is nice, so she wouldn't do something like that. Second, since she is back, I would probably worship her for choosing to spend alone time with me."

"Well, that's good for a long, healthy life."

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind. The last question of the day is: 'What would be your reaction be to an older Mikuru, between 18-28, who's kinda dressed up like a secretary?'"

"Uh………"

"His nose is gushing out blood…"

"Due to Taniguchi losing consciousness, this interview is over.

FLASH

* * *

Backstage

Brian: Okay, I am sorry for anything Taniguchi said that offended anyone. The next guests will be any character from the series that I have not interviewed, including NHSP, Emiri Kimidori, and any other person I am either too lazy to right a chapter for or won't get enough questions individually.


End file.
